I gave up

I felt today was not going how I wanted. I got off the bus prematurely and somehow I ended up somewhere else. I took a gamble by taking another bus I’m the same direction and somehow I arrived where I could be.

I gave up on my initial destination. I mixed up the names. I tried to go up the mountain but I found the uphill too tiring and it was painful to breathe.

I gave up. I went somewhere else instead, some seaside trail. Going back, I decided I still had time to go on one more trail – a seaside cliff that looked really pretty I’m the pictures. The bus going there was also arriving soon… I turned my back and tinkered with the bus information screen.. And the bus drove past me.

I gave up. I figured I’ll just go home (hotel). I waited for the bus going home and got in it. I realized after about 3 stops that I was going the wrong direction… But I couldn’t find the right timing to get off. I didn’t want to get off at a stop in the middle of nowhere with no alternate options for a bus.

I gave up. I decided I’ll just get off at a terminus or a junction stop. One stop before it, it said the stop was a Catholic Church. And suddenly the screen in the bus said it was the terminal stop. I got flustered and got off.

It turns out it was still at the church. Oh well. I figured while I’m getting lost here, I might as well drop by the church and pray.

I couldn’t find an open door going inside. I figured it was closed.

I gave up the thought of going inside and walked around. I said Hi to Mama Mary’s statue. I saw Jesus’ statue. He had a young lamp around his shoulders.

“Hi Jesus, it’s my birthday. I guess I’m thankful I’m still alive. Hey Jesus, I’m lost. I give up.”

I gave up trying to pray. I gave up trying to think of what I was going to say. Just then a bus going the opposite direction came to the bus stop across the street and stopped.

“I won’t make it,” I thought to myself. “I’ll just go to the junction bus stop.”

I was walking away but the bus was still not moving.

“I give up. I’ll just go to that stop across the church. At least there’s a bench.” I checked the bus anyway. The driver wasn’t in. I guess he was the one I saw having a smoke.

“I give up. I’ll just take this bus.”

After I got in the driver soon came back on too. I know he wasn’t waiting for me, but it felt like it.

Tears started flowing from my eyes… And I thought of God… It was like He was saying that He didn’t find up on me no matter how many times I’ve given up on myself. I keep getting lost but He will lead me back. God is good.

I’ve been thinking a lot during this trip. I’ve been searching for myself and learning more about myself. I’ve done so much wrong and I feel like I’ve lost my way in my life in general.

When I think about it, this trip want even really planned. I had wanted to go somewhere else. I didn’t get it. I gave up on it too although I could have reapplied.

I give up on a lot of things….

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