MMMiii!

I had a bad dream.

It was the Monday we were supposed to report to our Department Heads to be assigned Supervising Teachers and Classes for our student teaching activities.

I was rushing. I was running late. I couldn’t find my keys. Some of my colleagues were waiting for me so we could go together. .. But I couldn’t find my keys. I knew I was going home late that day so I needed my keys.

I told them to go ahead, because I didn’t want to hold them back and make them late just because I couldn’t find my keys.

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Well… Happy Graduation to them.

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:D

I dreamed we were together. The traffic was so heavy at school that i said I give up and i didn’t want to walk to my classroom so he said let’s go take a detour. i protested but he drove on. And then there was this wide staircase going down and he DROVE down the staircase. We got out and there was the sea outside the place. I asked him how will he get the car back up and a guy came out and said the same way we got in, the same way we’ll get out. He compared it to something. But lol it was NOT the same way. A huge chain came down and wrapped itself around the car and turned it around and around then lifted it up back on the surface of the building.

I think we played in the sea or the sand or something, because the next scene we were dirty. I asked him if he wanted to take a picture, but all I had was my camera phone. Then he brought out a flash drive! he said there’s a photographer over there. I looked and behind the glass door, there WAS a cameraman… with a camera. He called the cameraman and the man plugged the flash drive to his camera and we had our picture taken. I was doing the V-sign while he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and I had a surprised look.

We entered a door and I see Liz with a ton of photo albums…. different designs. All handicrafts. and I asked for one… to put memories in.

My mama arrived to go home with me and matt. then i woke up

i woke up with a smile, and I heard Matt snoring. lol… i felt like I wasn’t alone. It was a peaceful feeling.

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i dreamed the same dream twice this morning… before waking up.

we were touring… and the only thing I could remember from that tour was the 7 mice on fly paper that didn’t look like mice. they looked like wooden sculptures and donuts… >_> because it looked glazed but only on top. I took a picture of it.. but the camera wouldn’t work… and then the scene was different.

we were then at a public swimming pool… and there were no lockers or anything decent to keep our stuff in, but we could keep our precious belongings in glass jars… like jars of mayonnaise. They came in different sizes and … conditions.

Some were perfectly fine, some had craks, some were really broken but miraculously taed together, some were really small, some were really big.

The jars were located rght beside the pool and they get wet.

i remember seeing some people from my high school even if they have never my classmates. Some I don’t really know…. In fact, there wasn’t really ANYONE I really knew.

What I had with me that I wanted to put in a jar was my watch, my steel bracelet (The one with MISAN), and the digital camera….

I tried out all available jars… The only jars in perfectly good condition were too small for the camera, and the only ones that could fit the camera were just taped together. I kept trying and trying…. and while trying out everything, i kept looking at the pool longingly… and … None would satisfy me… and it was almost time to go when I decided to just put the camera in a big jar with the least cracks and put my watch and bracelet in a small jar in good condition… I got in the water… and just stayed at the side since I couldn’t really swim. In a few minutes it was time to go.

——————–
I woke up really bothered. dreams that stay in my mind even when I wake up usually mean something for me…….. and this one stayed.

what could it mean… Of course I’ve got some ideas of my own.

the mice… my thoughts on this is.. that maybe I like turning useless things or possessions or .. captives… into something beautiful? or i find beauty in these things… in … “refuse” .. in unwanted things… in trash. i was born in the year of the rat.

the people..
Maybe I may be surrounded by people and close to them but I don’t really know them.

the jar and the precious items…
the first thing that came into my mind is this: “What is the meaning of my life?”
What things do I really think of as precious, how tightly do I cling on to them, and how precious are they actually to me. Is it time? Is it having fun? is it beauty? Is it something that I worked for? Do I waste my time on at first seemingly important things and then run out of time to have fun? or would it be something like spending so much time on something I know I wouldn’t like or have use for anyway? How strongly do I hold on to them? The foundations… It’s confusing, at the same time enlightening. Am I spending too much time on deciding which is actually important to me?

I would like to think that the camera would represent memories. The watch as time, The bracelet as something I’ve worked for or work itself. And the swimming time as my idea of fun, I guess. The selection of glass jars… how much I treasure them… and the glass jars itself as how important they are to me….

It’s like … “what do I really want to do? where do I really want to go to? where do I really want to be?”

orz

I don’t know… it’s just confusing. and bothering. I’m frustrated and sad.

I’m fucking depressed. I just don’t seem like it. Sometimes I hate myself for acting like I’m fun and happy and smiling and everything when I don’t really want to. I feel guilty at the same time for deceiving people.

Yesterday someone said something so hurtful, and probably true. Although now that I think about it, i should’nt have gotten hurt since it was nothing but destructice criticism. I should only listen to constructive criticism. But anyway, I told to myself I won’t be singing anymore for those groups.. I mean, I won’t record my singing anymore. Matt got the wrong idea though, so iI won’t be singing for him/in front of him anymore….

Heh.. I don’t know how long I’ll last. I know I’ll be singing again, but… not for now.

Ahh… yeah. Somehow I feel it’s connected to my dream. Lol. I cried so hard yesterday … lol.

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I had a very very bad dream…..

it started out nice.

Pop, me and james went to a bingo place. While pop played bingo, me and james went to the arcade. After a while, i went back to pop and he gave me a 1k bill, a 100 bill, and a 20p bill. I asked what was the 1K for and he said he won just before i came back.
I told james we were gonna eat something nice. — crispy pata or deep fried pork knuckles. Charles came while we were eating. then i said i had to go.

when i was almost home, i realized that i forgot to pay, and the money was with me. I tried to go back to that place and i was gonna call up james but i dropped my phone and it exploded into pieces. not just the usual battery, case, body explode, but some of the parts went to pieces. I remember picking up two capacitors.

I didn’t bother going back. i figured they’d work something out.

the next day, pop asked me to come with him again and on our way he asked me what was the best way to date this girl (i won’t say her name), and i was like what the fuck pop? she’s just as old as me! She was my fucking classmate for crying out loud! I’m tutoring her little sister for chrissakes!

I was gonna look around to have my phone fixed… blur blur blur of events.. but somewhere along the way, mama picked us up and i was walking with mama, and we kinna left papa lag behind, and i asked her if it was totally over between her and pop and she said yea, then i told her about that girl pop intended seeing and she was just like yeah and i asked her if she was okay with that she just said yeah, but while walking we passed by .. uhh. UP Faculty Center, and there was a gallery display going on and she was like did your papa know that it’s not allowed to hold hands here? and i was like papa will never pass here.

then blur of events again, jeepney ride, and later talking with Matt and we argued… i confused matt with pop…. i don’t know, but somewhere along the blur of events pop became matt… T_T omg and then, i was like hey matt i thought i was the only one in your love circuit and he said yeah, there’s only you, but __ i forgot what he said and i said I see, and he said no you don’t and that i totally misunderstood and i told him why don’t we just break up and then i woke up.

….

T_T

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