MMMiii!

- procrastinator

meh…. ~_~

*sigh*

~_____~

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I know, I know. I am being super lazy. I hardly post. I don’t update. I don’t even do my papers which are due on the 5th. I can see myself procrastinating and staying up and being dead tired when Matt arrives. LOL.

What have I been doing these past few days?

I paid for my website — domain and hosting. I had a webhost upgrade from 100mb/5gb xfer to 200mb/10gb xfer + addon domain (which I probably would have no use for) …

I cleared my infamous top bunk because my aunt’s staying over for a while because of some family issues… but now it’s half full of my mess again. -.-

I switched back to my old headset since I won’t be doing karaoke for sometime… >.> and the right ear of the new one got busted.

I ripped Lea Salonga’s The Broadway Concert DVD and uploaded it on FSS. This isn’t a piracy issue. More people should see and hear Lea Salonga. I have a friend whom I sent Lea’s On My Own and now she’s one of his favorite singers. ^^

When I went out with the Amigas, Lori suggested that I pay for the movie tickets using the GCs Eelai gave me and they’d just pay me back. In short, my GCs get converted to cash. :D

My aunt won’t let me forget that summer when they invited me to watch the Star Olympics at Subic but I opted to stay home and read their encyclopedias.

meh…

I’m so excited for Matt’s arrival. >_< I’m having weird dreams everyday.

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I like singing… even if I’m not that good.

I want to write more songs… even if I’m not that good.

I was chatting with Mimi while talking with Matt when she told me that we should just write and sing our own songs since that was what she really wanted and I haven’t told her I think that that was I wanted too before. I just don’t have the motivation and inspiration lately so I dropped the idea.

It made me want to sing again. Lol. so I sang for Matt a song I wrote for myself. LOL. it was a song that I wanted someone to sing to me one day… eheheh… -_-;

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he he he

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i dreamed the same dream twice this morning… before waking up.

we were touring… and the only thing I could remember from that tour was the 7 mice on fly paper that didn’t look like mice. they looked like wooden sculptures and donuts… >_> because it looked glazed but only on top. I took a picture of it.. but the camera wouldn’t work… and then the scene was different.

we were then at a public swimming pool… and there were no lockers or anything decent to keep our stuff in, but we could keep our precious belongings in glass jars… like jars of mayonnaise. They came in different sizes and … conditions.

Some were perfectly fine, some had craks, some were really broken but miraculously taed together, some were really small, some were really big.

The jars were located rght beside the pool and they get wet.

i remember seeing some people from my high school even if they have never my classmates. Some I don’t really know…. In fact, there wasn’t really ANYONE I really knew.

What I had with me that I wanted to put in a jar was my watch, my steel bracelet (The one with MISAN), and the digital camera….

I tried out all available jars… The only jars in perfectly good condition were too small for the camera, and the only ones that could fit the camera were just taped together. I kept trying and trying…. and while trying out everything, i kept looking at the pool longingly… and … None would satisfy me… and it was almost time to go when I decided to just put the camera in a big jar with the least cracks and put my watch and bracelet in a small jar in good condition… I got in the water… and just stayed at the side since I couldn’t really swim. In a few minutes it was time to go.

——————–
I woke up really bothered. dreams that stay in my mind even when I wake up usually mean something for me…….. and this one stayed.

what could it mean… Of course I’ve got some ideas of my own.

the mice… my thoughts on this is.. that maybe I like turning useless things or possessions or .. captives… into something beautiful? or i find beauty in these things… in … “refuse” .. in unwanted things… in trash. i was born in the year of the rat.

the people..
Maybe I may be surrounded by people and close to them but I don’t really know them.

the jar and the precious items…
the first thing that came into my mind is this: “What is the meaning of my life?”
What things do I really think of as precious, how tightly do I cling on to them, and how precious are they actually to me. Is it time? Is it having fun? is it beauty? Is it something that I worked for? Do I waste my time on at first seemingly important things and then run out of time to have fun? or would it be something like spending so much time on something I know I wouldn’t like or have use for anyway? How strongly do I hold on to them? The foundations… It’s confusing, at the same time enlightening. Am I spending too much time on deciding which is actually important to me?

I would like to think that the camera would represent memories. The watch as time, The bracelet as something I’ve worked for or work itself. And the swimming time as my idea of fun, I guess. The selection of glass jars… how much I treasure them… and the glass jars itself as how important they are to me….

It’s like … “what do I really want to do? where do I really want to go to? where do I really want to be?”

orz

I don’t know… it’s just confusing. and bothering. I’m frustrated and sad.

I’m fucking depressed. I just don’t seem like it. Sometimes I hate myself for acting like I’m fun and happy and smiling and everything when I don’t really want to. I feel guilty at the same time for deceiving people.

Yesterday someone said something so hurtful, and probably true. Although now that I think about it, i should’nt have gotten hurt since it was nothing but destructice criticism. I should only listen to constructive criticism. But anyway, I told to myself I won’t be singing anymore for those groups.. I mean, I won’t record my singing anymore. Matt got the wrong idea though, so iI won’t be singing for him/in front of him anymore….

Heh.. I don’t know how long I’ll last. I know I’ll be singing again, but… not for now.

Ahh… yeah. Somehow I feel it’s connected to my dream. Lol. I cried so hard yesterday … lol.

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Maybe I look at myself too badly.. too harshly…

He told me I shouldn’t say sorry for things I did which he already understands…

——–
THere’s this tea I drink. With every tea bag, it includes a quote. There was once… it said “Forgive yourself for not being perfect.”

I try to live by it… but more often I see myself hating myself for doing something wrong. … I don’t know. heh.

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There are times when I wish I could take back what I said, wish I never said it at all. But words once said can never be taken back. Words spoken in anger are usually painful. It’s like burying nails on a piece of wood. Even if you remove the nails, or cover them up, the scars will always be there.

I’m torn between blaming him and blaming myself, although leaning more on blaming myself.

=I Here I was worried like hell when he went to the hospital and when he gets back he asks about someone/something else… and hardly talks to me.
But then I’m probably just being selfish.

I still wish I could take back what I said… I need to talk to with him.

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Whenever Matt’s been gone for too long, I get worried. Because usually something bad or weird has happened…

And now I’m worried.

*sigh*

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and I bought a new fan too…

and and .. umm… DVD+Rs and CDRs

I forgot about Maskipaps last night =/ damn.
I hope Farley has a recording.

Today is Lantern Parade… oh damn, I have to charge the batteries.

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I’m on vacation now.

But I still asked for this week’s allowance.

I mailed the christmas cards already… i still need to mail Yu’s package +__+

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