MMMiii!

Hmm…..

The mass i attended yesterday was a disaster. I felt Dizzy. LOL. Ad i got annoyed when a dirty beggar-con-flower-seller child was sent outside for selling. The Gospel was about Lazarus and the Rich Man. …. in the Our Father, no one offered to take my hand.

Hmm… It’s clear to me now. As long as I have my faith, and I do the good deeds (most of the time), it’s ok. What was lacking in my i guess was where I’m supposed to be. I’m always thinking about where i’m supposed to be. Now, I realized, where I am is just fine. From here, I just keep on going where i’m going. with my head up, and all that crap. XD

Ok… Yeah, the tutoring job is doing fine. I thought Kelvin’s gf was a hoe. Ok, i’m guilty of prejudice. Because he’s a foreigner and she was a Filipino who I thought was pretending to be Malaysian, i thought she was just milking Kelvin. But today, since I didn’t have classes, Kelvin asked me to keep his gf company while he’s at school. So ok, since he gave me 2 hours’ pay, I agreed.

Honey Mae is half Malaysian and half Filipino. Anyway, she’s really a nice person all-in-all… We plan to go out this sunday. She told me about her life in Malaysia, her parents, how she met Kelvin… stuff. heh. She was genuinely surprised when I told her that Kelvin is my first student. She actually thought I was a professional. She loves my voice, the same way Kelvin does. Hmm…. So, he’s finally figured out how to describe my voice. I always sound like I’m singing. My voice is sweet like chocolate. lol.

hmm… talking about/arguing on/discussing religion upsets me…..

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I had a dream last night…. Maybe it’s connected to my soul-searching blah blah. or maybe i was so sick. -_-; and i was hallucinating..

but anyway, i woke up coz the dream was scary…. I can’t really remember what it was about, but i can remember what i was thinking of after the dream.

I was thinking, that maybe if I want to get back (i.e. get back my religion) it isn’t Catholicism. I mean, sure i don’t agree with a lot of stuff, and yeah, i believe it should be that way coz i’m a Catholic… but I don’t know.. I told this to my seatmate, and she said, maybe i’m having the wrong ideas. that it’s not about going back to Catholicism, but it’s about going back to my faith in general…

I don’t know…

This Sunday, i’ll go to church. maybe. perhaps. =/ i just don’t have the will.

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I’m seriously in confusion right now… Lately, I’ve been thinking about God… and my lack of faith… I mean, yeah I believe in God etc etc… but I don’t pray, i don’t receive sacraments… I don’t take communion when i go to church (that was… LONG LONG LONG ago, coz i believe i can’t take it coz i haven’t confessed for so long)… This Sunday…. If I make the effort, … dunno… =/ i’m afraid. i might get burned if I enter the church….

Seriously.. I don’t know what to do with my life now. I mean, there are temporary highs, but after my highs, i was pretty pretty low. Like, today, when Kelvin kept on praising me for my l33t tutoring skills, he asked me to drink with him and his girlfriend on saturday. LoL.. i felt rather insulted, since i don’t like his gf and it’ll look like, i’ll be interrupting or something. Blah. Bull..

And irc drama still affects me. Ever since i got ops in #japan, people i thought were becoming my friends, or at least those who were nice to me before, are now being super mean. It’s fucking annoying. .. Everytime i kick someone out, they think it’s power abuse. Ok, I admit i haven’t been staying in the chan long, and i got my ops relatively early. They’re jealous, like Lifeline said… but still, it’s no reason to be mean to me…

Again… Maybe this depression is caused by overstress… Let’s see this Sunday, if I’ll sleep in… -_-; … Heh.. i’m so good at giving advice to those stressed… but I can’t help myself… It’s stupid..

I (or rather, papa) found Sarah’s letter to me from almost 3 years ago… There’s something I want to quote. It’s very nice.

“There are many things you can’t understand, but there are even more things that are not meant to be understood.”

I can’t remember what’s next. -_-; next time.

BLAH. everything’s my fault..

And you…. i’m so confused about you.

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Hmm.. sigh. Confused…

Confusion…

Confuzzled…

Confuzzlement…

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The teacher asked us to choose one thing that best describes ourselves…. I chose.. this. I have to explain, but I guess metaphors are enough. She’ll just have to understand.

Royal Tru-Orange is sweet and bubbly, just like any soda. The ads say ITO ANG TRU! ? It?s the real thing. And you know what? Orange juice or anything related to it except the color is not included in the ingredients? it DOES taste like carbonated orange juice though?

After you open the bottle, you must not leave the cap off for a long time or else, you?ll lose the fizz? and it?s the fizz that usually makes the soda taste so good. A cold fizzy soda is a great thirst quencher on hot and humid days. Personally, I don?t like it too bubbly or fizzy. I like to let the ice in my soda melt a bit or I shake the life out of the bottle and leave it open for a few minutes.

About shaking the bottle (with the cap on, of course), shake it all you want. Just don?t open it immediately. You have to let it settle for a while or else the bubbles will overflow and they?ll create a sticky, horrible mess. When you pour very fast, this happens too. So you have to pour the soda a bit slowly? To give it time to adjust. Who likes cleaning the mess, any kind of mess, for that matter?

Royal Tru-Orange is not one of my favorite beverages. It?s too artificial and sweet and bubbly. I tire of it easily. I?d rather have water anytime.

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i’m sad… just sad….

I want to cry..

i don’t know why.. i just want to… i just feel so empty or something… just……. i just don’t know.. it’s not because i’m dredging up my past coz of the damned autobiography… …

haha.. maybe it’s coz of overstress again. i read somewhere that overstress causes depression and weeping spells. maybe that’s it…

yep. that’s probably it.

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Hmm….

lalala…

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Laaaa….

#slimey got frozen … and i suddenly blurted in #japan “I want my ops!”

and then ^^keitaro told me to remove my +R (coz i’m always on +R) then he talked to me, then eventually, he gave me aops for #japan

so now… yeah.. i’m an op. but i’m still so not used to it… blah.. i like ops. I like power… but japan is too big and alive a channel.. -_-; letsseee

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I’m sad. :D

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